My Forty Fives

April 23rd came and went like any other day. I ran 10 miles that day and it felt great! I really wanted a big-to-do party celebrating this passage of entering my mid-late forties. But time got the best of me and life never slowed down. Translation . . . The last thing I wanted to do was make decisions regarding a day that would revolve around me. CAUSE. I. AM. TIRED. So I will just put that party on the back burner for now. Maybe when I am 50. Cause I am sure I won't be tired then.

I am not one to make random, corresponding age lists every time a birthday rolls around. In fact, I have never done one before. But there's always a first. So sit back. Read. Laugh. Enjoy.

MY FORTY FIVES

1. I was born in Kentucky. Fort Campbell to be exact. Compliments of the military.
2. I don’t have a favorite color. But around 17 years ago my good friend, Kathie, told me not to wear chartreuse, so I don’t. Around this same era, Larry told me red was not my color. I totally agree with him.
3. My favorite number is ‘2’.
4. I bailed on attending UC Irvine out of high school because I wasn’t ready to live so far from home. No regrets.
5. I was a super shy kid. That did not really go away until I became an OR nurse. You learn to become pretty outspoken when surrounded by interns and residents who think they know every thing.
6. I have been a nurse for 21 years. My love will always be the operating room, minus some surgeons who were and are probably still arrogant assholes.
7. My all time favorite surgery is anything involving a bi-coronal flap. Go ahead, GOOGLE the image if you are curious. I loved doing these cases with David. He really is talented, smart, and an excellent surgeon. And not an arrogant asshole.
8. I was a chubby, wubby kid. Moon face and all. The short hair with bangs didn’t help either.
9. I am in the best shape of my life. Better than high school. Better than college. And even better after having two kids.
10. I love chips and diet Dr. Pepper. And a McDonald’s Sausage Biscuit.
11. I never eat breakfast; at least not for breakfast. I also cannot stand drinking water, so I don’t. But I will drop a Crystal Light Raspberry Lemonade or Pink Lemonade packet in a Pierre. Yes, that’s right. Can’t pronounce some of the ingredients and I drink it. Willingly.
12. I was teased a ton when I was a kid because of my eyes. If you haven’t noticed, they are particularly on the small side. Like “slit” small size. The mean kids would ask me if I could see as much as them. I was even asked if I had to tilt my head to see the full length of trees. Did you just laugh?
13. I am Korean. Not Japanese. Not Chinese. It’s really not all the same. And we really don’t all look alike either.
14. I love sarcasm.
15. I am probably jinxing myself, but here goes: I do not have grey hair. I look for them all the time though. I will just chalk that one up to being Japanese, Chinese, I mean Korean. Oh whatever, it’s all the same. #14
16. I don’t believe everyone deserves forgiveness. Letting go and forgiving are not the same for me. I let go easily because it takes too much of my precious time to let something or someone cause turmoil. I do not take forgiveness for granted nor do I hand it out like candy. But you really have to cross me something fierce for the latter to happen.
17. No it doesn’t bother me to not forgive or to hold grudges. It takes more effort to be nice to people who I don’t care for than it does to just carry on with my life.
18. Number 16 is not very Christian-like, huh?
19. I am not sure if I believe in God. I have a lot of questions that are black and white. Why would God allow children to be molested/raped? Those kinds of questions. And no, I don’t want to attend church with you, but thanks for the offer. Maybe some other time.
20. I would totally benefit from seeing a therapist. EVERYONE would. Trust me, you’re not excluded.
21. I can’t find the time to see a therapist. AKA I am not ready.
22. I am currently reading, THE SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A F*CK. I absolutely love it so far. So I guess this book is my therapist right now.
23. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
24. I used to curse a lot. Like truck driver mouth, a lot. I never understood how that phrase got coined, but my dad would say that line to me. There’s just something liberating (to me) that comes along with swearing.
25. I don’t believe in NY resolutions. If you want to do something or change something, than just do it.
26. I failed at my last NY resolution: To take time for just myself.
27. I booked a trip without my family for the first time in over 2 years. It’s coming up soon.
28. I am a nervous flier and I hate flying without my family. My pre-boarding cocktail for long flights is Xanax and Ambien. Needless to say, I will not be partaking in any long flights by myself. I’d never make it off the plane.
29. I have a lot of guilt when I make time to do things without family (kids or hubby).
30. I over commit because of #29.
31. Aside from feeling #29, I love to volunteer at school. Truly. There will come a day when the girls are not going to want me around. Until then, you can find me at their school.
32. It is absolutely, without a doubt, 100% my job (and David’s) to be the primary role models for Sophia & Kalista. If we are not, then we failed at the most important parental job.
33. David and I have been together for 19 years. I adored him long before he noticed me.
34. I never thought I would get married and I was okay with that. At least that is what I told myself years ago.
35. David and I were on the fence about having children. It really was a toss up. And no, Sophia was not an accident. She was planned. 100%. Oh and Kalista was not an accident either, in case you were wondering.
36. David wanted and still would have more kids in a millisecond. Not me. When I had Kalista I was 37 and that was old in my books. For ME that is, so don’t get all-defensive.
37. I hated being pregnant. It stressed me out, especially because I was AMA: ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE. Apparently you earn that label at age 35. Even after all the tests came back “normal”, I was stressed. And yes, I took them all. Consequences known.
38. I did not breast feed either child. And guess what?! My girls and I still bonded! gasp! Must have been a miracle. Told you #14.
39. The most judgmental moms I encountered were the ones who only breast-fed. Which were the same ones who felt it was a mother’s choice to breastfeed wherever and whenever. Guess having choices are limited to only breastfeeding moms. Way to stick together! #14
40. I am totally hooked on Thirteen Reasons Why, Crazy Ex Girlfriend, and Stranger Things. All on Netflix.
41. I average about 5 hours of sleep/night. I credit this to #40 and all those years of working/being on-call for the OR. Besides, time’s a ticking. I will sleep when I am dead.
42. I fear my death. Just going to leave it at that. See #20.
43. The one person who would totally understand ‘My 45s’ without judgment is gone.
44. What I really meant to say, “My dad would have understood every point. But he is dead.” Hmmm, maybe #20 doesn’t apply to me! I mean, I just said (typed, whatever; same difference – but then again differences are not the same) that word people substitute because it’s uncomfortable. I am cured! See #14 and #20.
45. This is my first and only draft. Unedited. Because really. . . the first thoughts to come out are always of the truth and the ones you really want said.

Dear Daddy,

I use to think a lot about that first year. It was all about the 'firsts' without you. The first birthday. The first Thanksgiving. The first Christmas. The first Father's Day. My first true heartache. 

Now I have come upon the 4th birthday without you. Your birthday. Your 79th birthday. And it's no longer about those 'firsts' but about those 'lasts.' I savor my every lasts with you. From trivial to meaningful; it's all in my heart. 

Happy birthday. I love you.

~ Your Little Girl

Age is Just a Number

It's just another day. It's just a number. Some people get all weird about getting older. I mean really, one day you are 43 and the next 44. Did anything change overnight? It's kind of like being 17 one day and then one day later you have a birthday and turn18. You can vote now because 24 hours haveI have passed. Are you any wiser than the day before and have clarity on our government system? Or one day you are 20 and then twenty-four hours later . . .  BAM! 21. Can you handle your alcohol better than the day before? Will you make better decisions? It's just a number!

I think if people really thought about what was giving them grief around their birthday, they would find it's not because they were turning a year older. It's because of a reflection or reflections. Or maybe even because of their foresight(s) of what might be in store for the future.

So the fact that I am feeling a little bluesy about having an upcoming birthday isn't because I am going to be 44. It's because of the reflections I have been having. Or really reflection. I miss my dad. 

Birthdays are not the same without him. My life is not the same without him. And that will never change. No dramatization behind my words. Just the truth.

Despite how I feel, I do know I have a pretty good run going on in my life. And I don't ever and will never take that for granted. I just want what I can't have. And so even with getting older & wiser, that part never changes.

Happy Birthday to Our Favorite Guy

Happy Birthday David!

(I love this photo, even if it is blurry)

The perfect day with our guy!

Seriously, THE BEST SCRATCH CHOCOLATE CAKE EVER!

And the Marshmallow Fluff Buttercream frosting was to die for.

 No birthday in our family is ever complete without a dinner and a sundae

at Beachside Bar and Cafe

Six is Sweet!

Dear Kalista,

Absolutely no way has this happened! The fastest 6 years of my life just flew by me like I was standing still. 

Kalista, you are a true gem. Although you are only six, you have a great perspective on how life should be . . . carefree and FUN! Your nonchalant ways have me wanting to be more like you. I love how you are able to just move right along, regardless of the outcome. I know you will be someone who can truly forgive and move forward without hesitation. What a gift! I could learn a thing or two from you. 

Kalista, you have a smile that is so infectious. I admire your outgoing ways and ability to be personable with anyone. You are definitely not shy! hahaha You don't have a care in the world of what people think about you or what you are doing. That is so rare. Hang on to it!

There is no doubt in my mind that you will be happy all of your life. Whether you are 6 or 76, you will be at peace. And that makes me feel so good. If everyone could be like you, the world would be a wonderful place.

Happy birthday my sweets! I love you!

~ Mommy

Happy 8th Birthday Sophia

Dearest Sophia Grace,

Well it happened again. I blinked and another year passed. All of sudden you are 8 years old. I feel like this last year went by the fastest. I hope this doesn't mean from here on out all the years will be the same as this last one. But I have a feeling I better buckle up and hold on tight.

Sophia, you continue to surprise me. Just when I think I have you figured out (stupid me - yes, I used the 'S' word), I get thrown for another loop. There are plenty of times I don't understand you. But always in retrospect I come to the realization that you are developing your own ways. You are on your journey of becoming a young adult.

What has surprised me the most is your ever growing perseverance. If there was one word to describe you it would be, 'determined.' I honestly don't know any other kid at this age who is as determined as you. It doesn't matter the challenge or how many tears might shed along the way . . . YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP. And I am not going to lie, there have been times I thought it would have been best to throw in the towel. But deep down, I knew there was no way on this Earth that was ever going to happen. So in the simplest of modern day terms, "YOU ROCK!"

Sophia, you are so focused. It's quite astounding. I have friends that 'joke' around and call me, "Tiger Mom" (I will explain that to you one day soon). But truth be known, as you already know, IT'S ALL YOU. And although I worry about the stress you put on yourself, I also know I can't change who you are. There are times I worry so much it's like I am the one trying to accomplish the task at hand. My stomach is in knots for you. My palms sweat for you. My heart races for you. My nights are restless for you. And another admission on my part . . . sometimes I want to change your stubborn determination to make my life easier, but in the end it would be like changing your genetic make-up. ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE.

I have a great admiration for your ability to ignore what others are doing. You are so focused on yourself. That is a great quality. So many kids, as well as adults, feel self-worth and confidence when applying life's challenges as a a competition. At this juncture in your life it is school and sports. But you, my dear, have mastered the best of both worlds by making yourself the most important competitor; which in turn has crushed some others along the way.

Aside from the shenanigans of growing up, you truly have a tender heart of gold. You have a lot of compassion for others and a soft, gentle soul. I am reminded of these treasures when you watch over the younger siblings of friends, when I see you cry when watching a sad part of a movie, and when you help your classmates are struggling through the day's lesson. And even though Kalista drives you insane sometimes a lot, you always have her back like a big sister should. Even if it means ganging up on ME! I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sophia, you are a beautiful young lady inside and out. I wish I could slow down time. But I can't. So the next best thing is to be here for you until you no longer need me. I hope that day never comes. 

Happy Birthday my love,

Mommy

Happy Birthday Sweet and Sassy Kalista!

There is no way! Are you really FIVE? Where did the time go?! 

Kalista,

It is a gift being able to watch you grow up. You are the sweetest and silliest girl in the world. You have a natural way of making everyone smile. I admire the way you live life; so carefree and relaxed. I love how you wake up with a smile on your face (regardless of the hour). And the things you say...my goodness you keep me on my toes.

I am so very thankful you came into this world. I love you to the moon and back.

~ Mommy

September 17th

Happy birthday to the greatest man I was lucky enough to have in my life.

Dear Daddy,

Happy birthday. Oh how my heart aches on occasions like this one. It's hard to genuinely smile throughout the day. But memories of you help bring a twinkle to my eyes and heart. 

You are 77 today and you should still be here on this Earth. But you're not. I should be calling you to wish you the best. But I'm not. I should have sent you the latest and greatest gadget. But I didn't. For some unknown reason life had a different plan for you and therefore, me as well.

I can never fill the void that was left behind when you passed. But that is okay because it means I am still alive. And sometimes that's enough to help me get through the day.

Cheers to you, Daddy. 

I Love You,

Jennifer

Happy Birthday Sophia Grace

My dearest Sophia,

Holy cow! How could it be? You are 7 years old? There is just no way this has happened. And so quickly too.

Seven years ago you changed my life in a way no one could have ever prepared me for nor explained. Many. many moons ago I told myself there were 2 life changing experiences I did not want or need. The first...to get married. And the second? Well, my love, YOU are the second. How incredibly wrong I was. I am so thankful to have had the chance and courage to personally change my life's course. So in case you ever wonder...everything was planned. No mistakes. Not with your father. Not with you. Or your sister, in case you ever wonder about that too. hahahaha

Sophia, you are a beautiful young lady. Smart, loving, talented, and thoughtful are only a few wonderful traits you embrace. I admire your ability to like and love without regard. Your caring ways come so naturally. You never think twice when it comes to helping someone. 

Sophia, you are so driven and focused. And as you mature, I hope you will find and maintain the balance of it all without the self-induced pressure. 

As every year passes, I can't help but look forward to more of your future. So many exciting journeys await. And although the road may get bumpy at times, always remember life should not be so difficult. Believe in yourself and have faith. Everything will fall into place, as the way it should.

Happy Birthday Sophia. I love you.

~ Mommy

Happy 6th Birthday Sophia Grace!

On August 9, 2007, our lives changed forever. You have brought Daddy and me more joy and love than we could have ever imagined. It was impossible to think we could be happier until you came along. Our priorities changed in so many ways, but we do not regret one single bit of it. Our hearts are complete.

You are a beautiful girl, inside and out. Your kind heart and genuine concern for others are just a couple, amongst the million, wonderful things about you. 

We love you!