Friday, April 4, 2014
It still seems like yesterday. Some days are harder than others, but the hurt is always the same. I think about you every day. There are times I catch myself wondering, "Did this really happen? How is this possible? Why?" Then reality sets back in and I am left feeling empty, sad, and angry. It just isn't fair. And now is when you say, "Such is life."
Oh how I miss our talks! Even though I know somehow you are still here, there is so much I want to share. Like how I saved us a hefty bill when the plumber wanted to scope our main line. I told him all the toilets flushed and it was just the shower that was backing up. Ha! Just a simple snake of the drain. Oh and I figured out a simple car issue instead of having someone "take me for a ride." I can imagine your reactions and how proud you would have been of me for using my noggin. And then there's ANNE . . . Do you know what she did?! She flew to Ontario instead of Orange! Who's the DUMB ASS now?!(hahahaha) When stuff like this happens, you are the first person I would call. No one else would understand the meaning behind it all like you.
Although I don't deliberately think about what the 4th of every month means, or that it might be a Thursday, or the clock might read 9:22 AM - against my will, I still remember. In time my guess is these unwanted memories will fade. I won't think about how Thursdays suck or how the 4th of every month is a disappointing anniversary or 9:22 AM will just be 9:22 AM. Nonetheless, whether I remember or not, the ending will be the same.
Some would probably think I have adjusted pretty well. But that is just an illusion from the outside. I have always had 2 choices: Walk around the way I feel or do the opposite. I chose what you would have done. But there are times I really just want to feel the way I feel; without question, without regard, without anyone telling me it's not healthy, without anyone telling me to put a smile on my face, without anyone commenting that it's not fun being around an unhappy person, without . . . ANYTHING!
As time passes, your being gone doesn't get easier. I just miss you more. Quite frankly, I don't understand when people say, "Give it time. It's only been . . . ." What an odd thing to say. Maybe for some, time passed makes life easier. Or maybe it helps them to forget. So I try not to get angry and look at that person as if they just said the dumbest statement on Earth. My only conclusion is that it is different for everyone.
Time will never heal my heart, for I had THE BEST relationship a daughter could ever have with her father. Thank you for still listening to me during my morning runs. I love you always.
Your Little Girl,