It's an odd time of year, in the sense that even though you are not here it should still be magical, festive, full of joys, laughter, and love - because life does go on even when there is sadness in my heart.
When I think of last Christmas and when I look at pictures like this one, it is so hard. Although I wanted a miracle to happen, I knew there was a good chance this was going to be my last Christmas with you. The curse of being in the medical profession, as you knew, is knowing too much.
I remember leaving you to head back to SB. I made David turn the car around and go back because I didn't want any regrets. I had to tell you how much I loved you and how sorry I was that you were sick and that it just wasn't fair. You held me tight and said, "I know. It's okay." I didn't want to let go. But of course you pushed me along and said, "Now go before you make me sad." So typical. hahaha
As you know, this is a favorite time of year and the girls are excited about Santa's visit and all of the festivities that go along with the Holidays. I wish you could be here to make more memories with them. Their time with you was just too short.
Christmas time is supposed to be a happy time and I have managed to do what I know you would have wanted me to, but now I am exhausted. I need a break from trying not to be so sad; which is why I am writing. It helps and I like to think you are somehow listening to me.
I love you. I can't promise I won't be sad again during this Holiday Season, but I will try my hardest to make it a special one for the girls.
All my love,
PS Even though I lost today, thank you for being there and keeping me calm. I played the best I had ever played.