Regrets vs. Wishes

Dear Daddy,


It's 4 years today yet it feels like you've been gone most of my life. Isn't that strange? No matter how many times I wish I could freeze moments, nothing stands still. The only thing that remains constantly frozen is my heartache.

When we left each other, we said everything we wanted to say to one another. It was a wonderful feeling. It still is. You and I parted without regrets. That in itself is something I will always cherish. Having no regret is the best way to live life and to leave life. Thank you for that lesson.

As time passes the thought of, "I regret not . . . " still never crosses my path. But I have a lot of, "I wish . . . ". It's easy to confuse regrets and wishes. I am lucky enough to know the difference. And there is a difference, for I know with regret comes guilt; a self-consuming, useless emotion. 

A fair amount of my wishes may never come true. I can't have it all and I am at peace knowing this. So I am going to make the most of what does come my way. And at times, I am sure if will feel like I do have it all. Just like I felt when I had you.

I love you. I miss you.

Your Little Girl

September 17, 1937 - April 4, 2013

Road Closed

Dear Daddy,

For the last 3 years, life without you has felt like this sign. No outlet. Not a through street. Our road to each other...closed.

Although at times I feel lost without you, I am figuring out how to take the detours. Unlike detours drivers come across, I am not choosing to take the shortest way. I am choosing to take the quality way. The scenic route. 

"Are we there yet?" It's hard to slow down. Hard to go the speed limit. Even harder to go less than the limit. But it's been worth it! I am finally figuring that out. Yes, Miss Type A is taking her foot off the gas pedal. And you know what? It's been truly rewarding. Not sure how school feels about it, but I know I am giving the girls experiences and memories that far outweigh some missed days.        

The 'views'. The views along the way have been familiar yet different. Sometimes, they haven't been what I always thought...but sometimes people aren't, right? Then there are the views I took for granted. I am thankful for the chance to see the beauty I had missed the first few times around. 

The detours have been straight and windy. Sometimes simple, sometimes exciting, and sometimes complicated. And this is when you say, "Such is life." With every bend or fork in the road, there has been a lesson learned. The detours have been challenging and disappointing at times. Tears have been shed. Sleepless nights have ensued. And there's been lots of self-doubt. But it's all been strangely fulfilling. 

Our road is closed. An unforeseen road block made its' way into our lives. So now, without you, I detour. My heart would be so full to see you along my way. But there are several pitstops I still need to make. Someday I will see you at one of them. Just not yet.

I love you,

Your Little Girl 

September 17, 1937 - April 4, 2013
  

A Taste of Fall

Fall in Santa Barbara hasn't been been very fall-ish. In fact it's been down right HOT. 

Well hot for Santa Barbara. High 80's to low 90's isn't coastal. 

It's a sticky mess. So off we went . . .

Ah, so much better! Utah was the perfect remedy for getting a taste of fall.

 Hard to believe this will be covered in snow soon!

Trying out the acrobatics:

 It took her forever to flip over! Like forever.

Afternoon delight!

Gearing up for our 3 hour hike at Sundance

The views were just amazing!

Absolutely no filters needed.

Nothing but nature in all its' beauty.

 A little snack for the trail:

The turn point:

Sophia and I spotted a friendly creature:

And no trip to Utah is ever complete (at least for me) without a couple of noteworthy signs.

August Recap

School is back in session and I have been reminiscing about the few weeks preceding 

this annual event. I already long for summer 2016.

Sophia & Addy

I just love how these two pick-up right where they leave off.

Different schools...not a problem.

A precious moment of girl talk bonding.

Me and my munchkins!

Not so munchkins, I guess, huh?

While daddy was doing this:

We did this:

Shopping trip!

Cooling off at Menchies

Enjoying Dad's catch:

More beach time!

Why I love SB:

Glamping at El Capitan Canyon

(Way different from last summer)

 Pretty sure this "cute" livestock was the source of David's poison oak.

I won't share those photos. Your'e welcome.

 Just me and my shadow.

Makes me think of this old post.

Missing my Jeannine's breakfast buddy:

So cheers to summer 2015.

Now hurry up school and be done already!

My Sunshine

Dear Daddy,

Ha! So I found this picture the other day. Remember, the surprise retirement party? I couldn't resist even though I knew you would hate the attention. I can't believe this was 15 years ago. I was 27 and you were only 62. 

How lucky was I to have the opportunity to work with you?! So many things would never have happened if I didn't follow you into the operating room. I probably never would have found my "voice" and learn to speak up for myself. I would not have found that passion in helping others. I would not have found my oldest friends to date, Kathie & Anne - 21 years of their friendship! I would not have learned how to curse up a storm from all those surgeons; well I guess I could have skipped over that lesson, but I've got that under control now. hahaha Most importantly, I would have never found David.

It's two years today. So much has happened since you've been gone. At times I feel guilty to admit, but even though you aren't here to share in my adventures anymore, life has been good. When you died, a big piece of me died too. I thought there was no way I would experience pure joy and happiness without you. I was wrong; but you already knew.

When I look at Sophia & Kalista, I am reminded of the preciousness of  life and time. And although I know it is alright to have those moments of despair and anguish, I also know to purposely live a life without love and joy would be selfish for I have two amazing "little" girls who count on me everyday; the way I always counted on you. 

I can still hear you sing this song. Sophia remembers you singing it to her too. 

Here is my version to you:

You are my sunshine, my beautiful sunshine.

I think of you when my days are gray.

You've always known, Dad, how much I love you.

I know you are around me, in every way.

There are some nights, when I lay sleeping.

And I dream of us, arm-in-arm.

But when I wake up, I see your grandchildren.

And so I hold my head up high.

I'll always love you.

And I know, for you it will be the same.

Someday we will be together.

But until then, know my heart will never change.

You are my sunshine, my beautiful sunshine.

I think of you every day.

You've always known, Dad, how much I love you.

Thank you for being around me, in every way.

All my love,

Your Little Girl

Happy Birthday Sweet and Sassy Kalista!

There is no way! Are you really FIVE? Where did the time go?! 

Kalista,

It is a gift being able to watch you grow up. You are the sweetest and silliest girl in the world. You have a natural way of making everyone smile. I admire the way you live life; so carefree and relaxed. I love how you wake up with a smile on your face (regardless of the hour). And the things you say...my goodness you keep me on my toes.

I am so very thankful you came into this world. I love you to the moon and back.

~ Mommy

Thursday Things

Old things make me just as happy. Especially treasures with a story attached or sentimental value; the later is always the best in my book..

Like my FAVORITE watch in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. 

My dad gave me this watch almost 15 years ago. It is a classic Tag Heuer and  I wear it EVERYDAY.

Years ago, I collected Swarovksi.

I was turned on by the first piece my dad gave me from his trip to Austria.

It still makes my heart smile.

I truly love my Swarovski champagne flutes. We used these on our wedding day!

Last but not least, the first ring David bought me when we were dating: