Regrets vs. Wishes

Dear Daddy,


It's 4 years today yet it feels like you've been gone most of my life. Isn't that strange? No matter how many times I wish I could freeze moments, nothing stands still. The only thing that remains constantly frozen is my heartache.

When we left each other, we said everything we wanted to say to one another. It was a wonderful feeling. It still is. You and I parted without regrets. That in itself is something I will always cherish. Having no regret is the best way to live life and to leave life. Thank you for that lesson.

As time passes the thought of, "I regret not . . . " still never crosses my path. But I have a lot of, "I wish . . . ". It's easy to confuse regrets and wishes. I am lucky enough to know the difference. And there is a difference, for I know with regret comes guilt; a self-consuming, useless emotion. 

A fair amount of my wishes may never come true. I can't have it all and I am at peace knowing this. So I am going to make the most of what does come my way. And at times, I am sure if will feel like I do have it all. Just like I felt when I had you.

I love you. I miss you.

Your Little Girl

September 17, 1937 - April 4, 2013

Dear Daddy,

I use to think a lot about that first year. It was all about the 'firsts' without you. The first birthday. The first Thanksgiving. The first Christmas. The first Father's Day. My first true heartache. 

Now I have come upon the 4th birthday without you. Your birthday. Your 79th birthday. And it's no longer about those 'firsts' but about those 'lasts.' I savor my every lasts with you. From trivial to meaningful; it's all in my heart. 

Happy birthday. I love you.

~ Your Little Girl

Road Closed

Dear Daddy,

For the last 3 years, life without you has felt like this sign. No outlet. Not a through street. Our road to each other...closed.

Although at times I feel lost without you, I am figuring out how to take the detours. Unlike detours drivers come across, I am not choosing to take the shortest way. I am choosing to take the quality way. The scenic route. 

"Are we there yet?" It's hard to slow down. Hard to go the speed limit. Even harder to go less than the limit. But it's been worth it! I am finally figuring that out. Yes, Miss Type A is taking her foot off the gas pedal. And you know what? It's been truly rewarding. Not sure how school feels about it, but I know I am giving the girls experiences and memories that far outweigh some missed days.        

The 'views'. The views along the way have been familiar yet different. Sometimes, they haven't been what I always thought...but sometimes people aren't, right? Then there are the views I took for granted. I am thankful for the chance to see the beauty I had missed the first few times around. 

The detours have been straight and windy. Sometimes simple, sometimes exciting, and sometimes complicated. And this is when you say, "Such is life." With every bend or fork in the road, there has been a lesson learned. The detours have been challenging and disappointing at times. Tears have been shed. Sleepless nights have ensued. And there's been lots of self-doubt. But it's all been strangely fulfilling. 

Our road is closed. An unforeseen road block made its' way into our lives. So now, without you, I detour. My heart would be so full to see you along my way. But there are several pitstops I still need to make. Someday I will see you at one of them. Just not yet.

I love you,

Your Little Girl 

September 17, 1937 - April 4, 2013
  

The Hardest Hug

Dear Daddy,

Tis the season. I usually end that saying with an exclamation point. But there are times, I just can't. Today is one of those times.

I was on a run and your hugs came to mind. How I miss those hugs. The meaning behind your hugs. You had given me countless hugs throughout my life, but there are 3 that stand out the most.

I was barely married, you came down for a visit. At the time, it seemed like any other visit. When it was time for you to leave we exchanged hugs, like we always had. It was different. Normally we let go at around the same time. But not that time. There was a linger. A hesitation. I was married now. No longer were you the primary person I would turn to for advice. No longer the person I would turn to when I was in a jam. No longer your responsibility. It was a bittersweet, uplifting hug. You had done your job. And I was the first to let go. Because in the end, you still knew what I needed. 

You were newly diagnosed. I was up for a visit. It was a hard visit. Life had changed. But you were still the stoic one. It was time to leave. And like always, we exchanged hugs. We drove away. I made David turn around just a couple of minutes later. I had to go back. Surprised you were to see me standing at the front door. I hugged you. I told you how sorry I was this had happened. How unfair it was. How much I loved you. You said, " I know. I know. It's okay." I hugged you like I was 5 years old again. And I was the first to let go. Because in the end, you still knew what I needed.

April 4th, 2013. The time was nearing. We held hands. We talked. We laughed. I cried. And like always, you told me it was okay. It was heartbreaking to say a final goodbye. I never wanted that moment. I never wanted to let go. But you were tired and ready. And you were the first to let go. Because in the end, you still knew what I needed.

I love you,

~ Your Little Girl

Six is Sweet!

Dear Kalista,

Absolutely no way has this happened! The fastest 6 years of my life just flew by me like I was standing still. 

Kalista, you are a true gem. Although you are only six, you have a great perspective on how life should be . . . carefree and FUN! Your nonchalant ways have me wanting to be more like you. I love how you are able to just move right along, regardless of the outcome. I know you will be someone who can truly forgive and move forward without hesitation. What a gift! I could learn a thing or two from you. 

Kalista, you have a smile that is so infectious. I admire your outgoing ways and ability to be personable with anyone. You are definitely not shy! hahaha You don't have a care in the world of what people think about you or what you are doing. That is so rare. Hang on to it!

There is no doubt in my mind that you will be happy all of your life. Whether you are 6 or 76, you will be at peace. And that makes me feel so good. If everyone could be like you, the world would be a wonderful place.

Happy birthday my sweets! I love you!

~ Mommy

Building Confidence

CONFIDENCE

Some people have that certain ability to always be confident no matter what the situation. Even if they know things may not pan out the way they want, they still exude confidence. And then there are some people who struggle to feel an ounce of self confidence even when there is a 99.9% chance things will be in their favor.

As a parent, aside from happiness, there is nothing more I want for my children than to have them be and feel confident. It is definitely something I lacked as a child. And if these things are inherited, well then, Sophia has me to blame. And she can also blame me for the early childhood shyness. If she gets anymore of my traits she is going to need a lot of therapy later. : )

I wish I had a magic spell to cast upon Sophia; a confidence/self-esteem spell. I wish there was more I could say or do to make her believe in herself. To my friends, family, and other parents Sophia seems to have it all together. She's smart, determined, beautiful, funny, athletic, and I could go on forever. But, there is just one piece that makes all of these things irrelevant to her. Confidence.

For those who know our family well, it's no breaking news that Sophia enjoys club swimming. We think she is pretty awesome, but as Sophia has pointed out to us time and time again (not just with swimming), "You are my parents. You are supposed to say that kind of stuff." Ouch! Well, she doesn't know her mom well enough in that department. I stopped handing out meaningless compliments a very long time ago. Any hoo. Club swimming has been a blessing and a curse. It has sparked a little bit of positive self-esteem. But because Type A people are never satisfied, it has produced a lot of tears because of unrealistic comparisons/goals (but realistic for an 8 year old) and the lack of confidence knowing it will happen some day.

So in comes social media. Yes, that's right. Social media is used for so many reasons. It's a way to share thoughts, milestones, gratitude, and every day life (or unicorn life - lol). I enjoy posting about my children's accomplishments, but not for the reasons some may think. Confidence. There's that word again. In general, I think kids tend to "hear" your words when other people say them. Just like most kids behave differently (hopefully better) for others than they do for their parents. So I am adding social media to my confidence teaching tool. And yes, it has been working. Slowly (like turtle slow - Sophia is a tough nut to crack), but surely.

So to all those who click on that "like" button (yes, I share these with Sophia) and give her props when you see her - THANK YOU! It warms my heart seeing Sophia smile from ear-to-ear when someone acknowledges her latest accomplishment. She is starting to sporadically feel good about herself. Confident. And that's all I want.

Jealous

Dear Daddy,

Today is the 3rd year I am wishing you happy birthday from afar. I sit here thinking about what I would have written in your birthday card. Most likely it would have been, "Look who's GREAT at 78!" I would have called you this morning to wish you the best day.  I would have asked you what your day was going to entail and where dinner was going to be. But, instead I am just thinking about these things I would have done. I have really come to hate past tense.

I daydream a lot about you. When I run, I think about how extra special my life would be if you were still here. I have many life scenarios that will never come true. I often wake thinking you are not really gone. I also worry a lot. I worry Sophia & Kalista won't remember you someday. I miss all your worldly advice. I miss having you as my sounding board. I miss you.

I heard a revised version of a song the other day and I thought of you. The lyrics to this song in its' entirety have a different meaning. But I watched a young man sing a portion of this song, who's interpretation was of another. I was so touched by his rendition and found I truly related to his version/meaning:
I am jealous you are in a better place. I am so jealous of those elements of nature that still feel you. I am jealous Heaven has you. I am jealous I can't be with you. I am so jealous it hurts to breathe. 


JEALOUS
I'm jealous of the rain
That falls upon your skin
It's closer than my hands have been
I'm jealous of the rain

I'm jealous of the wind
that ripples through your clothes
It's closer than your shadow
Oh, I'm jealous of the wind

Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say
I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me


Happy Birthday Daddy

I love you,

Jennifer

"La, la, la, la, la. I can't hear you."

These. Three. Words.

I realize I fall within the minority for what I am about to proudly admit, but I am just going to be honest: I AM NOT READY FOR SCHOOL TO START.

There, I said it and I meant it. Summer break was too short. And no, it's not because I had my kids in a camp every week and therefore didn't see them. In fact, they were with me almost all summer (minus 3 camps for Sophia and 1 for Kalista). 

And before any judgement is passed: MY KIDS ARE NOT PERFECT NOR AM I. They are not angels. But they are not devils either. They are just kids who laugh, roll their eyes, play, give attitude, cuddle, bicker, and love. And I am just a mom who loves the dickens out of her kids but who also gets equally frustrated and is ready to pack a bag and run for the hills. Or maybe just a local bar. I'd even settle for hiding in the closet with a bottle of wine. Our family life is not made of rainbow unicorns. And with all that being said, I hate seeing this:

Every year I want them home longer. I think school days are too long (yes, too long) and the school year is too long as well. People think I am nuts, but I wish school let out at 2:00. That's right. Two o'clock for every grade. Wishful thinking on my part.

There may come a time when my kids don't want to hang out with me anymore. And that makes me sad. I hope I am wrong. My sister-in-law has 3 grown sons and I love how they love to hang out with their parents still. I have asked her for the magic potion, but she swears she didn't use one. So I am crossing my fingers the girls follow their lead.

And in case the thought of home schooling came to mind, let me give one main reason why it won't ever happen:

And to all my friends who don't have the same thoughts, I do understand! So this one is for you:

Happy 8th Birthday Sophia

Dearest Sophia Grace,

Well it happened again. I blinked and another year passed. All of sudden you are 8 years old. I feel like this last year went by the fastest. I hope this doesn't mean from here on out all the years will be the same as this last one. But I have a feeling I better buckle up and hold on tight.

Sophia, you continue to surprise me. Just when I think I have you figured out (stupid me - yes, I used the 'S' word), I get thrown for another loop. There are plenty of times I don't understand you. But always in retrospect I come to the realization that you are developing your own ways. You are on your journey of becoming a young adult.

What has surprised me the most is your ever growing perseverance. If there was one word to describe you it would be, 'determined.' I honestly don't know any other kid at this age who is as determined as you. It doesn't matter the challenge or how many tears might shed along the way . . . YOU'LL NEVER GIVE UP. And I am not going to lie, there have been times I thought it would have been best to throw in the towel. But deep down, I knew there was no way on this Earth that was ever going to happen. So in the simplest of modern day terms, "YOU ROCK!"

Sophia, you are so focused. It's quite astounding. I have friends that 'joke' around and call me, "Tiger Mom" (I will explain that to you one day soon). But truth be known, as you already know, IT'S ALL YOU. And although I worry about the stress you put on yourself, I also know I can't change who you are. There are times I worry so much it's like I am the one trying to accomplish the task at hand. My stomach is in knots for you. My palms sweat for you. My heart races for you. My nights are restless for you. And another admission on my part . . . sometimes I want to change your stubborn determination to make my life easier, but in the end it would be like changing your genetic make-up. ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE.

I have a great admiration for your ability to ignore what others are doing. You are so focused on yourself. That is a great quality. So many kids, as well as adults, feel self-worth and confidence when applying life's challenges as a a competition. At this juncture in your life it is school and sports. But you, my dear, have mastered the best of both worlds by making yourself the most important competitor; which in turn has crushed some others along the way.

Aside from the shenanigans of growing up, you truly have a tender heart of gold. You have a lot of compassion for others and a soft, gentle soul. I am reminded of these treasures when you watch over the younger siblings of friends, when I see you cry when watching a sad part of a movie, and when you help your classmates are struggling through the day's lesson. And even though Kalista drives you insane sometimes a lot, you always have her back like a big sister should. Even if it means ganging up on ME! I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sophia, you are a beautiful young lady inside and out. I wish I could slow down time. But I can't. So the next best thing is to be here for you until you no longer need me. I hope that day never comes. 

Happy Birthday my love,

Mommy

Come back to me...

This girl...

Where did she go?

Dear Kalista,

You have finished your JK year. And what a year it has been. My spunky, outgoing, feisty little gal disappeared this last school year. There were lots of tears shed (a lot from you and a ton from me) from the beginning to the very end. I didn't think we were going to make it to June. You are going off to kindergarten in the fall and there is something I need you to know...

I have missed you; not only physically being by my side, but I have missed your soul. Your dad and I don't know what happened this last year. You went from confident without a care to scared and unsure. You became a mystery. You never put up a fuss getting ready for school and you were always happy as a clam at pick-up. So your dad and I thought maybe it was the adjustment to a new school and new friends. But as the months went by and the tears were still present, I knew it was more than just jitters. You stopped participating in activities you once loved. You were adamant about not wanting to attend birthday parties. You declined having your own birthday party.  I would cross my fingers you would be the Old Kalista and belt out all those songs you happily sang at home.  But no more school recital participation. Only tears. YOU disappeared. And so, for the last school year, all I wanted was for you to come back to me.

One day during Christmas Break I asked you why you were so upset at school drop-offs. And although I had asked you this same question time and time before, this time you were mature enough to give me an answer aside from the shoulder shrug. You looked at me and said, "It's just too hard. The work is too much."

I will never forget that day. Your answer broke my heart. I want you to know, your dad and I had the best intentions for your last year before kindergarten. We wanted to give you the same opportunity we had given Sophia. As a parent, someday you will understand, you want to always make everything equal. But you have taught me it's okay not to always do the same for each child. You and Sophia are completely different kids in the world of academics. The two of you learn at different paces. I am sorry I didn't realize this sooner.

I just want you to know I am so proud of you! You have become a delightful reader and are on your way to mastering math. Everything has been on your own terms and pace. From all this to ballet, to gymnastics, to singing, and swimming - you are an amazing and gifted girl. And I LOVE YOU!

  

Congratulations my darling. You did great.

What I want my girls to learn . . .

Dear Sophia & Kalista,

Another year has passed and I am definitely older. Wiser? Well, maybe I can give you an answer next year. But I doubt it.

On my birthday I went for a long run and got caught up with what I have learned over the years; lessons and realizations I want to pass down to you. I hope this blog will still be around when you are older to understand. I will make sure to print this one just in case.

"YOU ARE JUST TOO SENSITIVE."
I am going to tell you right now, I ABSOLUTELY HATE THIS STATEMENT! Whenever this has been said to me, it's always been at a time when my feelings were hurt. And I don't mean hurt because there was a disagreement or a joke/prank gone wrong. But the kind of hurt that would have me feeling disappointed if either one of you did or said such a thing to someone else. 

So this is what I have learned about that statement . . . It's not about being too sensitive, but it's the mere fact some people are insensitive. Because in all honesty, that statement is somewhat of a cop out. From my point of view it's like a "get out of jail" free card for inexcusable behavior. It's like asking someone, who has just been robbed, if they had locked the door. What's the point? 

Not everyone would agree to my conclusion of this statement. It may even "strike a chord." And to that I say, "Maybe YOU are just too sensitive." (PS - The older I get, the more comfortable I become with sarcasm. It's the right of passage for old people.)

YOU DO NOT NEED TO IMPRESS ANYONE.
Don't waste time comparing your life to someone else's. Sadly, some adults still feel like they need to keep up with whoever they feel has the next best thing; whether that "best" thing be a car, whirlwind vacations, houses, designer-fashion "musts", etc. If only those people knew what they looked like to people who are the wiser. People like your dad and me. And it's not because we can't keep up, it's because we don't need to. We have no one to impress.

This also means, you don't need to prove yourself to anyone. Accept challenges in life because you want to push yourself and not because you want to prove to others what you are capable of accomplishing. You are your competition.

The rule of thumb . . . If you find yourself doing something only when someone else is or could be watching: YOU ARE NOT DOING IT FOR YOURSELF.

NOT EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE FORGIVEN
Yes, you read correctly. Your dad might have a different view, but this is my post. :)

There are a lot of sayings you will hear during your lifetime, but these 2 you will hear most: 
"To err is human, to forgive divine."
"Learn to let go and forgive."

Letting go and forgiving are almost always used synonymously. But I have learned these two things are completely different. Now, I do believe in letting go but I don't believe forgiveness needs to always follow. Like many, I don't think being unforgiving will cause internal turmoil or sleepless nights, but I do think carrying on about something will. However, it is important for you to know if you need to forgive to let go, than do so! But it is just as important to know you are not holding a grudge by not forgiving. You are holding a grudge by not letting it go.

APOLOGIES SHOULD BE MEANINGFUL
Plenty of times in my life I have apologized for the sake of "being the bigger person." You will hear this saying as well. And in retrospect, I wish I wouldn't have. 

Your grandfather tried to teach me early on not to apologize if I didn't mean it. And of course, like all children at some point, I didn't listen. I now understand what he was trying to teach me all those years ago. Don't offer an apology that has no meaning. Offering an apology you don't believe in doesn't make you the "bigger person." It can make you resentful. 

FIND THE JOY
Truly easier said than done. This applies to your career, your hobbies, sports, your friendships, your relationships, etc. If something or someone isn't bringing you happiness, then change your terms to fit your needs. And if you can't, then move on. But remember, it is YOUR terms you need to change not someone else's. 

STAY HUMBLE
The two most humble people I know are your grandfather and your dad. They have a charismatic way of being sincerely modest about everything in life. Never boastful. Never conceited. They are the element of surprise. 

BE MORE CONCERNED OF WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT YOURSELF THAN WHAT OTHERS THINK ABOUT YOU
This will be one of the hardest lessons to learn. It will be hard not to worry about what someone else thinks of you. There will be times you will put forth a lot of thought about the impressions you make on others. This is all normal! But just know, how you feel about yourself far outweighs how others feel about you. If you can master this lesson, you will learn to . . . 

LOVE YOURSELF
This is the most important lesson to be learned. And it could be the most difficult. I want you to wake up every morning and go to bed every night loving and respecting yourself. Only you have the power to make this happen. No one else and nothing else. Just you. 

WHEN YOU BECOME A MOTHER
For now, this is the last lesson I want to share. It's the one lesson the two of you can learn only from me or from your own experiences someday.

Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever accepted. It's more than a full-time job. It's a lifelong commitment.  

As your primary school days became closer, I fantasized about all the "time" I was going to get back. I think all mothers have this fantasy. Mine wasn't filled with pedicures or shopping or lunches, but just with the mere fact I would be able to grocery shop by myself and prepare dinner in advance and clean the house without having to maneuver around little people. I looked forward to being at your school volunteering in every way possible. Eventually that day did come. And yes, I did all those things. Then one year, it happened, I lost sight of what was important. . . 

Although I still did all those things mentioned above, I found myself becoming preoccupied. It became more than just taking a little time for myself. Funny thing is, I didn't even enjoy what I had become preoccupied with because of all the nonsense behind it. And it took more nonsense for me to realize I had lost sight of my commitment as a mother; to always be there for you in every way, shape, and form; physically and most of all, mentally.

I want you both to know, I will always be committed to you. I will help you accomplish whatever you are determined to give 100% of your time and efforts towards.  I won't meet you half way. I will meet you all the way. I have had my time. You are my priority.

The beauty of learning, is you can do so at any age. These are just a few lessons I want you to think about. Someday you will have your lessons as well and I can't wait for you to share them with me. And when you do, I will be ready to learn.

All My Love, 

Mommy

Happy Birthday Sweet and Sassy Kalista!

There is no way! Are you really FIVE? Where did the time go?! 

Kalista,

It is a gift being able to watch you grow up. You are the sweetest and silliest girl in the world. You have a natural way of making everyone smile. I admire the way you live life; so carefree and relaxed. I love how you wake up with a smile on your face (regardless of the hour). And the things you say...my goodness you keep me on my toes.

I am so very thankful you came into this world. I love you to the moon and back.

~ Mommy

September 17th

Happy birthday to the greatest man I was lucky enough to have in my life.

Dear Daddy,

Happy birthday. Oh how my heart aches on occasions like this one. It's hard to genuinely smile throughout the day. But memories of you help bring a twinkle to my eyes and heart. 

You are 77 today and you should still be here on this Earth. But you're not. I should be calling you to wish you the best. But I'm not. I should have sent you the latest and greatest gadget. But I didn't. For some unknown reason life had a different plan for you and therefore, me as well.

I can never fill the void that was left behind when you passed. But that is okay because it means I am still alive. And sometimes that's enough to help me get through the day.

Cheers to you, Daddy. 

I Love You,

Jennifer

A Letter to Kalista

Dear Kalista,

I remember years ago I thought once school-age came around I would be less busy. Oh was I wrong! I have come to realize the older you and Sophia get, the busier my life becomes. The responsibilities start to pile up. Different responsibilities than the nurturing kind of taking care of young children. School work, volunteering, soccer, ballet, gymnastics, and swimming have made our family life a tad bit hectic. But the joy I see on your faces makes all the scheduling and chauffeuring worth it. I wouldn't change a thing.

A huge chapter of your life is beginning. You have been my buddy, my pal, my sidekick for so long and it is hard to imagine not having you by my side. In some ways, I am losing my best friend.

When your sister started her journey, I was okay because I still had you to keep me company. But now that it is your turn, well, I find myself at a loss. I truly wish I could turn back time. I have been telling Daddy that I didn't think you were ready, that we were making a mistake, that you are just too young. I guess the truth is, I am not ready to start turning the pages in your book.

Although I am sad as I write this, I am also excited to watch you discover your talents, your dreams, your life. A whole new world is waiting for you. 

Sweet, sweet Kalista . . .

Always remember how much I love you and how proud I am to be your mommy.

Happy Birthday Sophia Grace

My dearest Sophia,

Holy cow! How could it be? You are 7 years old? There is just no way this has happened. And so quickly too.

Seven years ago you changed my life in a way no one could have ever prepared me for nor explained. Many. many moons ago I told myself there were 2 life changing experiences I did not want or need. The first...to get married. And the second? Well, my love, YOU are the second. How incredibly wrong I was. I am so thankful to have had the chance and courage to personally change my life's course. So in case you ever wonder...everything was planned. No mistakes. Not with your father. Not with you. Or your sister, in case you ever wonder about that too. hahahaha

Sophia, you are a beautiful young lady. Smart, loving, talented, and thoughtful are only a few wonderful traits you embrace. I admire your ability to like and love without regard. Your caring ways come so naturally. You never think twice when it comes to helping someone. 

Sophia, you are so driven and focused. And as you mature, I hope you will find and maintain the balance of it all without the self-induced pressure. 

As every year passes, I can't help but look forward to more of your future. So many exciting journeys await. And although the road may get bumpy at times, always remember life should not be so difficult. Believe in yourself and have faith. Everything will fall into place, as the way it should.

Happy Birthday Sophia. I love you.

~ Mommy

Since you've been gone . . .

Dear Daddy,

Another Father's Day is on the horizon. I could praise you until my dying day, but thought I would let you know what a great father you still are by sharing a few things made possible because of the strength & lessons you have given me throughout my years.

Since you've been gone . . .
I have learned it's okay to start living life without you.
I have learned it's okay to smile and feel happiness without feeling guilt.
I have learned it's okay to look forward to the future.
I have learned it's okay to look back on the past.
I have learned in times of despair, it's better to say something than nothing at all.
I have learned to accept your passing.
I have learned to start healing.

Thank you for still teaching me at my young age of 42. Looks like I will always be the student. And that is perfectly fine by me.

I love you.

Your Little Girl Forever

One Year

Dear Daddy,

It still seems like yesterday. Some days are harder than others, but the hurt is always the same. I think about you every day. There are times I catch myself wondering, "Did this really happen? How is this possible? Why?" Then reality sets back in and I am left feeling empty, sad, and angry. It just isn't fair. And now is when you say, "Such is life."

Oh how I miss our talks! Even though I know somehow you are still here, there is so much I want to share. Like how I saved us a hefty bill when the plumber wanted to scope our main line. I told him all the toilets flushed and it was just the shower that was backing up. Ha! Just a simple snake of the drain. Oh and I figured out a simple car issue instead of having someone "take me for a ride." I can imagine your reactions and how proud you would have been of me for using my noggin. And then there's ANNE . . . Do you know what she did?! She flew to Ontario instead of Orange! Who's the DUMB ASS now?!(hahahaha) When stuff like this happens, you are the first person I would call. No one else would understand the meaning behind it all like you.

Although I don't deliberately think about what the 4th of every month means, or that it might be a Thursday, or the clock might read 9:22 AM - against my will, I still remember. In time my guess is these unwanted memories will fade. I won't think about how Thursdays suck or how the 4th of every month is a disappointing anniversary or 9:22 AM will just be 9:22 AM. Nonetheless, whether I remember or not, the ending will be the same.

Some would probably think I have adjusted pretty well. But that is just an illusion from the outside. I have always had 2 choices: Walk around the way I feel or do the opposite. I chose what you would have done. But there are times I really just want to feel the way I feel; without question, without regard, without anyone telling me it's not healthy, without anyone telling me to put a smile on my face, without anyone commenting that it's not fun being around an unhappy person, without . . . ANYTHING!

As time passes, your being gone doesn't get easier. I just miss you more. Quite frankly, I don't understand when people say, "Give it time. It's only been . . . ." What an odd thing to say. Maybe for some, time passed makes life easier. Or maybe it helps them to forget. So I try not to get angry and look at that person as if they just said the dumbest statement on Earth. My only conclusion is that it is different for everyone.

Time will never heal my heart, for I had THE BEST relationship a daughter could ever have with her father. Thank you for still listening to me during my morning runs. I love you always.

Your Little Girl,

Jennifer

Last Christmas

Dear Daddy,

It's an odd time of year, in the sense that even though you are not here it should still be magical, festive, full of joys, laughter, and love - because life does go on even when there is sadness in my heart.

When I think of last Christmas and when I look at pictures like this one, it is so hard. Although I wanted a miracle to happen, I knew there was a good chance this was going to be my last Christmas with you. The curse of being in the medical profession, as you knew, is knowing too much.

I remember leaving you to head back to SB. I made David turn the car around and go back because I didn't want any regrets. I had to tell you how much I loved you and how sorry I was that you were sick and that it just wasn't fair. You held me tight and said, "I know. It's okay." I didn't want to let go. But of course you pushed me along and said, "Now go before you make me sad." So typical. hahaha
No regrets.

As you know, this is a favorite time of year and the girls are excited about Santa's visit and all of the festivities that go along with the Holidays. I wish you could be here to make more memories with them. Their time with you was just too short.

Christmas time is supposed to be a happy time and I have managed to do what I know you would have wanted me to, but now I am exhausted. I need a break from trying not to be so sad; which is why I am writing. It helps and I like to think you are somehow listening to me.

I love you. I can't promise I won't be sad again during this Holiday Season, but I will try my hardest to make it a special one for the girls.

All my love,

Jennifer

PS Even though I lost today, thank you for being there and keeping me calm. I played the best I had ever played.

Happy 6th Birthday Sophia Grace!

On August 9, 2007, our lives changed forever. You have brought Daddy and me more joy and love than we could have ever imagined. It was impossible to think we could be happier until you came along. Our priorities changed in so many ways, but we do not regret one single bit of it. Our hearts are complete.

You are a beautiful girl, inside and out. Your kind heart and genuine concern for others are just a couple, amongst the million, wonderful things about you. 

We love you!

My First Father's Day

Father's Day 

A day to honor and cherish THE special man who raised and loved me unconditionally.

This will be my first Father's Day . . . without my dad. Oh how I miss him so very much. Especially now. For the first time, I didn't mail out a card. For the first time, I won't be calling him on this Sunday morning. For the first time, I am going to watch my precious girls give their dad extra special love and I will feel sadness, envy, and joy all at once.

There will always be a first for everything. And although I will get through those firsts, sometimes unscathed and sometimes not, I will hate it each one until someday I just don't.

Dear Daddy,

We shared a lot of firsts together. Not quite a lifetime of firsts, but I would rather have those 41 years than none at all. Now it's time for me to go through those firsts all over again without you. Without you. Without you. Those words linger and haunt my soul with such heaviness. I still need you. If I could only hear you say, "Everything will be alright." 

Happy Father's Day to the most incredible father. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for always being my #1. 

Love,
Jennifer