Last Christmas

Dear Daddy,

It's an odd time of year, in the sense that even though you are not here it should still be magical, festive, full of joys, laughter, and love - because life does go on even when there is sadness in my heart.

When I think of last Christmas and when I look at pictures like this one, it is so hard. Although I wanted a miracle to happen, I knew there was a good chance this was going to be my last Christmas with you. The curse of being in the medical profession, as you knew, is knowing too much.

I remember leaving you to head back to SB. I made David turn the car around and go back because I didn't want any regrets. I had to tell you how much I loved you and how sorry I was that you were sick and that it just wasn't fair. You held me tight and said, "I know. It's okay." I didn't want to let go. But of course you pushed me along and said, "Now go before you make me sad." So typical. hahaha
No regrets.

As you know, this is a favorite time of year and the girls are excited about Santa's visit and all of the festivities that go along with the Holidays. I wish you could be here to make more memories with them. Their time with you was just too short.

Christmas time is supposed to be a happy time and I have managed to do what I know you would have wanted me to, but now I am exhausted. I need a break from trying not to be so sad; which is why I am writing. It helps and I like to think you are somehow listening to me.

I love you. I can't promise I won't be sad again during this Holiday Season, but I will try my hardest to make it a special one for the girls.

All my love,

Jennifer

PS Even though I lost today, thank you for being there and keeping me calm. I played the best I had ever played.