My Forty Fives

April 23rd came and went like any other day. I ran 10 miles that day and it felt great! I really wanted a big-to-do party celebrating this passage of entering my mid-late forties. But time got the best of me and life never slowed down. Translation . . . The last thing I wanted to do was make decisions regarding a day that would revolve around me. CAUSE. I. AM. TIRED. So I will just put that party on the back burner for now. Maybe when I am 50. Cause I am sure I won't be tired then.

I am not one to make random, corresponding age lists every time a birthday rolls around. In fact, I have never done one before. But there's always a first. So sit back. Read. Laugh. Enjoy.

MY FORTY FIVES

1. I was born in Kentucky. Fort Campbell to be exact. Compliments of the military.
2. I don’t have a favorite color. But around 17 years ago my good friend, Kathie, told me not to wear chartreuse, so I don’t. Around this same era, Larry told me red was not my color. I totally agree with him.
3. My favorite number is ‘2’.
4. I bailed on attending UC Irvine out of high school because I wasn’t ready to live so far from home. No regrets.
5. I was a super shy kid. That did not really go away until I became an OR nurse. You learn to become pretty outspoken when surrounded by interns and residents who think they know every thing.
6. I have been a nurse for 21 years. My love will always be the operating room, minus some surgeons who were and are probably still arrogant assholes.
7. My all time favorite surgery is anything involving a bi-coronal flap. Go ahead, GOOGLE the image if you are curious. I loved doing these cases with David. He really is talented, smart, and an excellent surgeon. And not an arrogant asshole.
8. I was a chubby, wubby kid. Moon face and all. The short hair with bangs didn’t help either.
9. I am in the best shape of my life. Better than high school. Better than college. And even better after having two kids.
10. I love chips and diet Dr. Pepper. And a McDonald’s Sausage Biscuit.
11. I never eat breakfast; at least not for breakfast. I also cannot stand drinking water, so I don’t. But I will drop a Crystal Light Raspberry Lemonade or Pink Lemonade packet in a Pierre. Yes, that’s right. Can’t pronounce some of the ingredients and I drink it. Willingly.
12. I was teased a ton when I was a kid because of my eyes. If you haven’t noticed, they are particularly on the small side. Like “slit” small size. The mean kids would ask me if I could see as much as them. I was even asked if I had to tilt my head to see the full length of trees. Did you just laugh?
13. I am Korean. Not Japanese. Not Chinese. It’s really not all the same. And we really don’t all look alike either.
14. I love sarcasm.
15. I am probably jinxing myself, but here goes: I do not have grey hair. I look for them all the time though. I will just chalk that one up to being Japanese, Chinese, I mean Korean. Oh whatever, it’s all the same. #14
16. I don’t believe everyone deserves forgiveness. Letting go and forgiving are not the same for me. I let go easily because it takes too much of my precious time to let something or someone cause turmoil. I do not take forgiveness for granted nor do I hand it out like candy. But you really have to cross me something fierce for the latter to happen.
17. No it doesn’t bother me to not forgive or to hold grudges. It takes more effort to be nice to people who I don’t care for than it does to just carry on with my life.
18. Number 16 is not very Christian-like, huh?
19. I am not sure if I believe in God. I have a lot of questions that are black and white. Why would God allow children to be molested/raped? Those kinds of questions. And no, I don’t want to attend church with you, but thanks for the offer. Maybe some other time.
20. I would totally benefit from seeing a therapist. EVERYONE would. Trust me, you’re not excluded.
21. I can’t find the time to see a therapist. AKA I am not ready.
22. I am currently reading, THE SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A F*CK. I absolutely love it so far. So I guess this book is my therapist right now.
23. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
24. I used to curse a lot. Like truck driver mouth, a lot. I never understood how that phrase got coined, but my dad would say that line to me. There’s just something liberating (to me) that comes along with swearing.
25. I don’t believe in NY resolutions. If you want to do something or change something, than just do it.
26. I failed at my last NY resolution: To take time for just myself.
27. I booked a trip without my family for the first time in over 2 years. It’s coming up soon.
28. I am a nervous flier and I hate flying without my family. My pre-boarding cocktail for long flights is Xanax and Ambien. Needless to say, I will not be partaking in any long flights by myself. I’d never make it off the plane.
29. I have a lot of guilt when I make time to do things without family (kids or hubby).
30. I over commit because of #29.
31. Aside from feeling #29, I love to volunteer at school. Truly. There will come a day when the girls are not going to want me around. Until then, you can find me at their school.
32. It is absolutely, without a doubt, 100% my job (and David’s) to be the primary role models for Sophia & Kalista. If we are not, then we failed at the most important parental job.
33. David and I have been together for 19 years. I adored him long before he noticed me.
34. I never thought I would get married and I was okay with that. At least that is what I told myself years ago.
35. David and I were on the fence about having children. It really was a toss up. And no, Sophia was not an accident. She was planned. 100%. Oh and Kalista was not an accident either, in case you were wondering.
36. David wanted and still would have more kids in a millisecond. Not me. When I had Kalista I was 37 and that was old in my books. For ME that is, so don’t get all-defensive.
37. I hated being pregnant. It stressed me out, especially because I was AMA: ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE. Apparently you earn that label at age 35. Even after all the tests came back “normal”, I was stressed. And yes, I took them all. Consequences known.
38. I did not breast feed either child. And guess what?! My girls and I still bonded! gasp! Must have been a miracle. Told you #14.
39. The most judgmental moms I encountered were the ones who only breast-fed. Which were the same ones who felt it was a mother’s choice to breastfeed wherever and whenever. Guess having choices are limited to only breastfeeding moms. Way to stick together! #14
40. I am totally hooked on Thirteen Reasons Why, Crazy Ex Girlfriend, and Stranger Things. All on Netflix.
41. I average about 5 hours of sleep/night. I credit this to #40 and all those years of working/being on-call for the OR. Besides, time’s a ticking. I will sleep when I am dead.
42. I fear my death. Just going to leave it at that. See #20.
43. The one person who would totally understand ‘My 45s’ without judgment is gone.
44. What I really meant to say, “My dad would have understood every point. But he is dead.” Hmmm, maybe #20 doesn’t apply to me! I mean, I just said (typed, whatever; same difference – but then again differences are not the same) that word people substitute because it’s uncomfortable. I am cured! See #14 and #20.
45. This is my first and only draft. Unedited. Because really. . . the first thoughts to come out are always of the truth and the ones you really want said.

Regrets vs. Wishes

Dear Daddy,


It's 4 years today yet it feels like you've been gone most of my life. Isn't that strange? No matter how many times I wish I could freeze moments, nothing stands still. The only thing that remains constantly frozen is my heartache.

When we left each other, we said everything we wanted to say to one another. It was a wonderful feeling. It still is. You and I parted without regrets. That in itself is something I will always cherish. Having no regret is the best way to live life and to leave life. Thank you for that lesson.

As time passes the thought of, "I regret not . . . " still never crosses my path. But I have a lot of, "I wish . . . ". It's easy to confuse regrets and wishes. I am lucky enough to know the difference. And there is a difference, for I know with regret comes guilt; a self-consuming, useless emotion. 

A fair amount of my wishes may never come true. I can't have it all and I am at peace knowing this. So I am going to make the most of what does come my way. And at times, I am sure if will feel like I do have it all. Just like I felt when I had you.

I love you. I miss you.

Your Little Girl

September 17, 1937 - April 4, 2013